Kay -N- Kay

Topping today’s list of breaking news that everyone already knew is the annual report on whether or not America is still fat.

We are.

Not only are we still fat, thanks to drawing it to everyone’s attention and really focusing on improving overall health… we’re even fatter than before.

“Obesity rates among adults rose in 23 states over the past year and didn’t decline anywhere, says a new report from the Trust for America’s Health and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation.”

Wow.  Not a single state lost any weight.

Here’s an interesting tidbit for all you crazed smoke-Nazis out there complaining when someone lights up 100 yds off in the distance:

Studies show Medicare spends anywhere from $1,400 to $6,000 more annually on health care for an obese senior than for the non-obese.

Your turn is coming.  How long before Fried Chicken is banned in the work place?  “Welcome to Money, Inc, Ma’am, now step up on the scale to see how much your health insurance will cost.”

However, the future is not completely bleak.  Krispy Kreme may be going out of business, soon.

Detroit City Councilwoman, Monica Conyers, pleads guilty to bribery.

A career of nepitism, slander, corruption, and self service finally comes to an end.  Hopefully.  Take a look back at one of Monica’s finer moments.

How Monica behaves during Detroit City Council meetings:

How Monica behaves around kids: (The first part is a repat of the above video, skip to 1:25 for video of a Detroit City Councilwoman losing an argument to an 13 yr old girl)

So, yeah… Michael Jackson is dead.

Meh.

Look, I know there are billions of European social misfits crying their eyes out over the tradegy dejour, but personally, I’m not sad that he’s dead.

There, I said it.  I’m not sad.  Now I’m not going to be so callous as to say I’m happy about it.  That would be pretty stupid.  But I definitely won’t miss any of the freak show that his life became post-Thriller.  His presence will be forgotten in a matter of days by me and plenty of others who always cringed internally and threw up a little in our mouths each time we saw a picture of his face.

Sorry if you had a rough life, Mike.  Wish you could’ve handled it better.

This picture singlehandedly captures why non-SUV drivers hate people who drive SUVs.

see more Fail Blog

If you drive an SUV, you probably think it’s because a Hummer takes up two parking spaces.  But hey, you drive an Explorer so why is that guy frowning up at you?

So Kristin and I are currently arguing about whether or not to turn on the air conditioning.  Thus far it’s only been light hearted jabs and I’ve held my mouth in check despite the sweat glistening on my brow some evenings.  Today, she called me up:

Kristin - “How hot is it supposed to be today?”

Me - “85 degrees”

Kristin - “Hmph”  Quiet pause.  “I guess that’s hot enough for the air conditioning.”

Me - I resist the urge to equate this epiphany to others things just as obvious.

Kristin - “What’s the temperature supposed to be like over the weekend.”

Me - “Hot.  Damn hot.  Mid 70s and then high 70s to low 80s.”  Then the suspician creeps in.  “Why?”

Kristin - “Cause it seems like such a waste to turn on the air for just a single night if we’re just going to turn it off for the rest of the weekend.”

Now that got me thinking… if only there were some device, some technological creation pushing the boundaries of imagination so as to seem near magical in the breadth of it’s use, that could control our heating and air conditioning.  Now I’m going to get a little crazy here with my musings, but try to stay with me…

I’m thinking this… we hook our furnace up to this device, this invention, this marvel of the 21st century.  Now I’m just thinking out loud here, but what if this thing was able to control when heat or air conditioning was needed and then… then my dear friends and readers, then this mythical icon of our era could DETECT whether or not more heat was needed OR if more air conditioning was needed, and it could turn on and off our furnace… AUTO-MAGICALLY!!!!!!!

Wow, wouldn’t that be something?  A device that would only push out air conditioning when it was needed and then turn it off so as to not waste money when it was not needed?  I mean, imagine that?!!?!?!  No more fighting with the Temperature Nazis who demand in name of the all mighty electric bill that we constantly turn off the air when it’s not needed.  This one device as I envision it would maintain the temperature of your house at a pristine range of your own choosing.

This could really be something…

All I need now is a name… some combination of Latin words, like Thermo for heat and then something that means to stabilize or make constant…

Previously, I thought the Internet was all about porn.  Without porn, the Internet clearly had no purpose.  But then all these so-called “social networking sites” started showing up.  MySpace… Facebook… and because it’s clearly far too much effort to use Facebook, evidently Twitter was born.

But I always doubted that these types of things were ever really used for anything, except porn.  I mean come on… Twitter’s slogan is “What are you doing?”  Umm… I’m on the Internet.  Duh?  Downloading porn.  I mean what else would I be doing?

But now I understand.  This man and his customized office chair, have shown me the light!

Man Builds Chair That Tweets His Farts, Single-Handedly Justifies Twitter’s Existence

Kristin and Bran are having an adventure down in Arizona this week.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t go with them, but they are having a good time so far, even despite “The Great Paul Family Ham Stand Off of ‘09″.  I may be able to get Kristin to post that saga when she gets back. 

Bran had a crisis of faith this year about the Easter bunny, compounded by Kristin waffling with her “Well, what do you think?” answer when asked if there truly was an altruistic seasonal hare who harbors in spring through the ritualistic decoration of avian embryos by children and subsequently hiding their handiwork for suspiciously unknown intentions.  He was pretty sure this Easter Bunny character was real, but his child-radar was picking up that while Mommy was seemingly allaying his doubts, she would not actually outright validate the existence and proclaim all doubters as heretics to be immediately stoned and posthumously drug through the streets.  Something was possibly amiss and clearly needed to be investigated further…

On Easter morning he woke up bright and early and unbeknown to his still sleepy mother, had hatched a plan to clear up this Easter Bunny business once and for all.  The night before, they had performed the ritual of properly coloring each egg in the house according to unwritten edicts of ages past and stored the talismans within the refrigerator.  Therein lay his proof.

Moments after opening his eyes, Bran made a beeline for the fridge and mother’s intuition prompted Kristin to ask what he was doing.  “Oh, I’m just going to check on the eggs.” he replied.

Misunderstanding, Kristin said, “Hunny, we’re not doing the Easter Egg Hunt yet, remember how we talked about doing it this afternoon?”

“Oh, I know.” he replied.  “I’m just going to check the refrigerator to see if the Easter Bunny picked up our eggs.”

The truth of the situation struck Kristin like a thunderbolt from on high.  If the eggs were still there then clearly the Easter Bunny would not have been able to get the eggs prior to them being hidden in the afternoon.  The crafty runt had out foxed her!  She needed a diversion…

“Ok dear, well why don’t you go use the potty first.”  It was a stretch… but it might buy her about 30 seconds.

Off he went and Kristin sprinted to the kitchen.  With only seconds to spare, she grabbed the tray of eggs, whipped it out of the fridge and cleverly covered them with an ordinary looking kitchen towel.

No sooner had she successfully disguised the tray of eggs as a large lump of something clearly being hidden underneath a towel when Bran returned.  He opened the door to the refrigerator which was now cleared of the damning evidence and turned wide-eyed and victorious to his mother.  “He IS real, Mommy!”

Oddly enough, if anyone had ever asked me what sort of story would put my home town, Newark, Ohio, in the national news, I would have predicted exactly this story.

In this photo released Tuesday, March 31, 2009, by the Newark (Ohio) Police Department, a motorized bar stool is shown. Police in Newark, 30 miles east of Columbus, say when they responded to a report of a crash with injuries on March 4 2009, they found a man who had wrecked a bar stool powered by a deconstructed lawn mower. Police say Kile Wygle, 28 was charged with operating a vehicle while intoxicated after he told an officer at the hospital that he had consumed 15 beers. Wygle told police his motorized bar stool can go up to 38 mph. (AP Photo/Newark (Ohio) Police Department)

I’m astounded that some people have driving licenses.

Evidently, the Czech prime minister, and current holder of the EU presidency, Mr Topolanek, does not agree with Obama’s economic recovery plans.

He attacked the US’s growing budget deficit and the “Buy America” campaign, saying “all of these steps, these combinations and permanency is the way to hell”.

At first glance, this may seem alarming.  Here is a notable, world leader condemming what is undoubtably a risky plan.  One might feel alarmed that perhaps those wiley Euopeans with their almighty “Euro” may know what they are talkning about.

That is, unless you look a little closer…

Mr Topolanek, whose government collapsed last night in a Czech parliament vote of no-confidence, said the United States was not taking “the right path”.

Hmm… here you go Mr. Topo-Living-in-a-Glass-House-lanek: